renewed faith saved my life....

cometsweep32

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« on: August 09, 2007, 12:46:05 pm »

Hello,

My name is Christie and I have been a member of CIP for a few months. I am here to tell you my story of how God saved my life from a bitter end and disaster. To start I want to tell you that I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. I was a self-mutilator and tried to kill myself about nine times. This disorder started to show in my late teens. I was 19 when I made my first attempt to end my life. I tried overdosing on sleeping pills. When I became pregnant with my first child I started to show more symptoms of the BPD and bipolar disorder. I had post-partum psychosis and did not know it, I tried to kill myself by taking 50 extra strength Tylenol at 500 mgs per pill. I was having trouble coping with my baby crying all night and day, she had colic. This next part is so hard for me to tell you for I fear judgement will fall on me from everyone. I tried to suffocate my baby to make the crying stop. I was delerious and not well at the time. I ended up in the intensive care unit after I took the Tylenol. I was vomiting every 15 minute and I could not walk to the toilet, I had to crawl. I was severely dehydrated and out of it. I was taken to the ER and it wasn't looking good for me to survive the suicide attempt. My kidneys and liver became toxic. However, by the grace of God I was saved from death. My story doesn't end here. Approximately 19 months after I had my first dauther I gave birth to my second daughter. I was exhibiting the same symptoms of post partum depression that I had after my first delivery. I had urges to kill myself and I tried it. I became delerious and had the feeling to want to hurt my newborn baby. There is something so horrendous that I was doing to my first child before I became pregnant with the second child. This is so horrible and I am still paying for this, but here goes. I was spanking my daughter all of the time and I was leaving very bad bruises on her. There are some other horrifying instances that involved her that I just can't mention them. All I can say about that is that I was extremely physically abusive towards her. After I deliverd my second child, I was hung down heavy with guilt for what I had done to my first baby, I called childline and turned myself in. Children services was contacted and so wan a child abuse investigator. I told this investigator everthing I had done and he didn't believe me because no one witnessed the abuse of my daughter, his exact words were,"are you sure you are telling the truth, or are you just seeking attention." I was apalled at him for thinking that I was that cynical. God had brought me to wanting to confess to the authorties of my crime so that I might face my punishment. i had prayed to God about what to do and he lead me to that decision. I was never charged with or arraigned. The DA threw out the charges due to lack of evidence. I was ready to go to prison or face whatever punishment that the Lord saw fit. My parents became ashamed of me for all I done since the birth of my fisrt child. My husband at the time was lost and didn't know what to do.
As the years went on I left my husband and moved out of the house. However, before we divorced, I attemtped suicide once again. This is absolutley awful, but once again I am going to tell of you what I did. I ran my car into a church that was behind my house at 55 mph. I smashed into the side of the church head on. I totaled my car and I came out of without a scratch. I only had a slight concussion and whiplash. I couldn't believe that the Lord let me survive that one since I crahsed into a house of the Lord. I was comitted to a state institution for six months. I was very heavily doped on medication most of my time there. I became severely depressed and did not want to live another day. This lead to my divorce. My ex-husband could not take anymore and I was not allowed to go near my daughters. I eventually got discharged from the state hospital and was put into group therapy everyday for eight hours. I was put on probation for the church incident and was made to pay fines and restitution. I was on probation for five years and had supervised visits with my children. Things started looking up for me for a while and then my depression started up again. I became angry at others, myself, and God. I was pathetic and feeling sorry for myself. I was wondering why God kept plauging me with depression. I then began to cut myself, and I became reckless with compulsive inappropriate behaviors. I started making friends in the city. They inrtoduced me to drugs and alcohol. I partied all the time. I was living off of SSI and blew all of my money on booze and pot. I had several bad relationships. I stopped seeing my children. I was in a physically abusive relationship with a man that constantly held a knife at my throat and cut my hair with it while I was asleep. I was on meds for the depression but I let them run out and just stopped taking them altogether. I became very sick from withdrawl. I couldn't eat anything without it coming back up. I could only eat crackers and drink hot tea every once in a while. I was overweight at this point but I lost over 100 pounds in a total of 6 months due to lack of nutrition and starvation. My body fed off of my own fat cells. I didn't have money for food and what I did have was spent on booze and drugs. I neglected to pay my bills and my rent. My utilities were shut off and I had to move out. I became homeless and was traveling from one room to another. I started renting a room in the worst part of the city. I lived in a filthy room that was very small, it had a bed, tv, and a microwave and a small fridge. There were roaches and mice in my room. I lived there for a while, and then I met a hippie named Dave and moved in with him. Things were good for a short time. I went back to school and started seeing my girls again. However, this man did not believe in God. He was into witchcraft and did not want to hear the word God ever spoken from me again. He started telling me that the Lord was not merciful but angry and a murderer. He said that all God wants to do is send people to hell and kill them with natural disasters and diseases. I started listening to what he said and believing him. He had pot and was an alcholic. I started smoking the pot and drinking again. My grades suffered and I never bought food. This man started saying things that way out of the ordinary so I left and moved in with a friend. A bunch of guys that I had befriended were constant suppliers of pot, and they were a bad bunch. I was with them all of the time smoking and drinking. Something very bad then happened, I was being stalked by the man that I used to have a relationship with, the abusive relationship. He started following me throughout the city and was telling people that he was going to end the lives of myself and my children, and anyone else that was important to me. He threatened to cut the brake lines in my friend's car. He did actually do this as one day my friend got into her car and was driving the down when her brakes did not work. Thank God she wasn't far from her home and she was able to get help. I had been on my friend's computer most of the time in chat rooms. I felt lonely and was trying to make friends. I was living in Berks County in the city of Reading, PA at the time of all of my troubles. I went into a York, PA chat room and over time I met a man and we became very good friends. I was still getting threats from my stalker so I decided it was time to leave my friend's home as I did not want her to get hurt because of my living with her. I started talking to my new male friend over the phone and i told him ablut everything. He offered me to come and stay with him for a while in York, so I graciously accepted. I was so glad to be leaving Reading. I moved in with my friend that is now my boyfriend in 2003. We have been together for almost five years and have plans to get married, not yet, but in the near future. This man's name is Tom. I love him so much. He is a good Christian man and he lead me back to Jesus. I have become reborn as of three months ago. My life is beautiful, all of my needs have been met, both physically and spiritually. I do have one issue though, my ex-husband is not allowing me to see my daughters, so I gave up my rights to my children, but I did not legally give up my rights, I did not sign any papers nor have an attorney. I want my children back, I am heartbroken, and I am sure that they are too. They have been through so much from what you have read since the beginning of my story. I really need prayer for there to be a way to see my daughters again. I have so many bills and I can't afford a lawyer right now. I live off of SSI. My finances are tight. I am very blessed though by the Lord, I am here and I am safe, and I have made a new beginning. Praise Jesus! I remember when I was in a Wonderland Memories game room. I was talking to someone about the Lord and I said God Bless You. This is when I met Kenny and he told me about CIP. I became a member and at first I was very shy and reluctant to speak to anyone. I started attending prayer meets and I came upon a miracle, at least it was a miracle to me, that there are people in this world who truly love and care about me by the grace of God. I started listening and observing in the meets. I then started praying with everyone. I came out of my shell! Praise the Lord. Now after bieng with CIP for a few months and meeting some really great people, I have decided to get involved with CIP and lead a few prayer meets. I have been lead here by the Lord and he is doing great things with me. I pray about this all the time. I apologize for the long post, but my story was a great long struggle with life lessons, trials, and tribulations. I just had to tell you all of it to have you all see the great things Jesus that has done for me and continues to do. God saved my life and lead to my soul mate and here to CIP. I have read some great testimonies here. I hope that mine may help someone out there to find Jesus and have everlasting life and salvation through Jesus. What an AWESOME Lord we have! I also want to say God Bless All Of You and the Leaders and managers of CIP. Thank you for being here, for without you I never had been born again. God Bless and may the Lord continue to Bless CIP so that you can keep performing your great works and ministry. May more lost souls that are seeking the Lord come here to CIP and be saved! Praise Jesus!


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CanuckLynn

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